Benjamin Franklin
“Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”

“Governmentium.”

A major research institution has discovered the heaviest chemical element yet known –  Governmentium.
Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an “atomic mess” of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected by how it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. The minutest amount of Governmentium can cause one reaction to take four to six weeks to complete when it would normally take less than one second.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but every four years undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. And, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some researchers  to speculate that Governmentium formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass”.

You will know it when you encounter it. I don’t know for certain, but I think we’re there!

And 3 for a laugh.
“I once asked God for a bike and waited. I now know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

“You don’t need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.”

“Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.”

A CONTRACTOR’S DICTIONARY

CONTRACTOR: A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
BID OPENING: A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID: A wild guess carried out to two decimal points.
LOW BIDDER: A contractor who is wondering just what he left out.
ENGINEER’S ESTIMATE: The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER: A conductor of an orchestra in which every musician belongs to a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD: a management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
STRIKE: An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
COMPLETION DATE: The point at which the liquidation damages start.
AUDITOR: A person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
LAWYER: A person who goes in after the auditors and strips the bodies.

Courtesy of the Windsor Construction Association

Ben Franklin 
“Those absent are never without fault while those present are never without excuse.”